A new reason 2 ride - Part 2

Chasing the Dog .....

An event in Forrest last year gave me a new reason 2 ride. Chase the Dog ... an event that proudly supports Beyond Blue.

It was a ride that was all new ground for me. Rail Trail, off road, back road, sealed road, muddy road and even a section that resembled a river. Great climbs, spectacular descents and a lot of open space where your mind could wander.The whole purpose of this great ride was to bring a non competitive edge to a ride where you could just take it at your own pace and enjoy the ride with your mates. Chatting about whatever came up and enjoying life.

But for me, it highlighted something that I had been turning my back on for a very long time. The dog was catching me.

All of my life, mental illness has been a big issue. As far back as I can remember, it was something I had to deal with. Mental illness comes in many forms. From depression and anxiety right through to the extreme forms of Bipolar disorder. Yep - I knew them all. But I rarely spoke about it. Simply because people who suffer from any sort of mental illness are often referred to as crazy. Their behavior cannot be explained, so it is easier to ignore it, not speak about it and when confronted with it, pass judgement and run for the trees.

But when you are exposed to mental illness and cannot run, only then can you understand that it is a disease like most other. It debilitates, it wears you down, it takes everything from you, yet when you least expect it - it can take your life. It is in control of your every thought. It consumes you and there is not much you can do about it.

It is not a phase. It is not something that you can simply forget or hope that the next day "she'll be right!"

For years, I watched mental illness kill my mum. Looking back on my life - my childhood, my teens and my adult hood, it was always there. It was her mood swings, it was her heightened expectation of perfection, it was her delusion of grandeur and it was me forever feeling like I was never good enough. And there was even the goodie bag of delusional psychosis.

The symptoms as described by sane.org ...

People with bipolar disorder can become high, over-excited and reckless, or imagine that they are more important or influential than they are in real life. They can also become extremely low, feeling helpless and depressed, with difficulty making decisions or concentrating. Some people mainly experience highs. Some experience mainly lows, and some experience both extremes — becoming profoundly depressed or over-excited. The person may then behave in an uncharacteristically irrational or risky manner.

Yep - this was my mum. The 1 person who should have loved me for who I was and not for the person who she expected me to be.

In her death, many people spoke of Mum and how she was so unique. She was ... where only 3% of the population were like her. She suffered from an illness where there is no cure. Only a management plan where you either want to die (yes, she tried this) or you want to kill everyone around you (yes, she tried this too). The in between had the potential to be a happy place but that depended on who was still there opting to stick around rather than run.

Bipolar is an extreme and should never be compared to depression or anxiety, yet I found that after losing mum, I got to experience just a little of what she went through. For around 10 months I faced my own battle with depression and I didn't realise how bad it was until I jumped on my bike on October 11, 2014 and tried to support others.

It was just 4 days after the 1st anniversary of mum's death. It had been a hard emotional week of feeling totally alone. My biggest battle with my grief was that I had felt so alone. My step-dad needed my support so I held it together for him. My kids needed to express their own grief, so I held it together for them. My brother and I didn't speak often about Mum's death ... we spoke more about her life, so it was not a time to mourn. I was in a new job so lacked the support from colleagues who didn't know my past. And my husband was battling his own health issues and needed me. So there I was, functioning in a life that made no sense to me. I wanted to cry. I wanted the ache in my chest to leave me alone. I wanted the lump in my throat to go away. I wanted to eat without the feeling of chocking. I wanted someone ... anyone to take me in their arms and let me cry. I wanted to hide under my doona and never come out. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to get up, do my hair and make up. I didn't want to play the charade one more day of being someone I was not. I didn't want to hide in the shower as this was the only place I could cry. And out there on the muddy trails in Forrest, I let myself fall apart.

I had lost all of my strength. I had lost my willpower. I had lost me!! That person who over the last 3 years had ridden for those who couldn't. Riding under the motto of "We ride because our sweat is nothing compared to their tears" ... yet here I was drowning in my own tears pretending to be strong. After 40kms I gave up having no more strength left in me. I felt like I held my breath as the support crew drove me back to the finish line, not wanting to show how much I was hurting inside.

On October 13 I called Beyond Blue. I explained to them how I felt. It was not my first call to them, but it was my most honest one. And they were there for me. I explained to them my history with mental illness - they were very quick to reassure me that I was not turning into my mum. (It is a genetic predisposition that can strike anyone) and they were very quick to reassure me that they could help. I was suffering with depression - triggered by the loss of my mum. They gave me the tools I needed, the support I wanted and within a few months I felt like my old self again. Now days when I think of mum, I mostly just feel sad. No longer crippled.

For 4 years I have dedicated my life to riding to conquer cancer. But now, I have a new focus. I want to Chase the Dog. I want people to be able to put their hand up and admit that the dog is chasing them. And I want them to feel supported, loved and understood. I want to conquer the image of depression and anxiety being crazy. I want to tell my story - the one of growing up, the one of survival and becoming who I am today. I want to share the tools I have in my toolbox and support others. And mostly, I want to ride my bike and enjoy the feeling like no other. The wind in my hair, the freedom, my thoughts and my escape. My therapy!!

This is now MY story. Together with #ridelikeamum , #chasethedog and #beyondtheblue , this is now MY reason to ride.

A new reason 2 ride - Part 1

Riding my beloved Mav and raising money and awareness for cancer ...

It is hard to measure the impact these 2 things have had on my life, let alone others. For 4 years I did what I did because I loved it and I was passionate about it. This passion flowed through every aspect of my life. When I was not riding, I was thinking about it. A passion brought on by one thing. To Conquer Cancer. To help raise money and awareness to try and put a stop to the pain and suffering I have seen caused by this one disease.

4 years is a long time. It has been a lot of very hard work, rewarded by the moments I would cross a finish line and hold my trophy to the sky.

My bike Maverick and my matching kit - a permanent shrine and personal tribute to those who I ride for. My Fighters and My Angels.The Vision Crusader kit that I ride in - the eye catching uniform worn by a unique collection of people who I have shared this passion with. This has been what the last 4 years have been about.

But with that has come more funerals that I want to remember and more stories of heartbreak than one person can take. One of my greatest strengths in life quickly became my biggest weakness - I cared too much.The weight of expectation that I was hoping to deliver eventually wore me down and no matter how much I achieved, I felt like I was failing. When you ride your guts out, dig deep to find personal strength, beg for precious fundraising dollars, miss out on seeing your kids wake in the morning and miss out on 1 on 1 time with your husband - all because I had to train ... only to have news delivered that another person has lost the battle - eventually it got me.

I know my feelings were compounded by my own personal loss. I knew what death meant. I knew what loss was. And while I was out trying to save strangers from one disease, another took the life of my mum. And it had a very real chance of taking much more.

"Your family don't get the best of you - you give it to everyone else" - unknown

I don't remember where I read this saying, but it was enough for me to take a note of it and realise things needed to change in my life. And this is where #ridelikeamum became my new hashtag. My new motto for my life.

I have a new #reason2ride ... a new outlook on life.

#ridelikeamum

I spend close to 45 hours each week at work. My 8am - 5pm job is a non-negotiable equation in my life simply because I have to. I don't have any real quality time with my family Monday through to Friday - instead it is just a whirlwind of daily routines... Monday - Friday I don't live : I exist just trying to keep the household together.

So now on weekends, instead of spending my time training, resting, recovering and campaigning to try and raise money, I have stopped and I try to spend my time living. Raising my kids and being the best Mum I can be. Being there to enjoy breakfast with them. Go to the park. Do things together and watch them grow up. Giving the best of me to my family - and not everyone else. 

And when I do get out on Mav - well there is a whole new #reason2ride her too. That is Part 2. 

#ridelikeamum

The Women's 100 - Liv style

REDEMPTION!

My personal achievement was making it through the Women's 100 annual event and still having a smile at the end of the day. Last years effort still hurts - but this year was such a contrast. They are the black and white of rides.

After enduring 6 months of trying to get back on the bike, trying to find my passion for riding and trying to get my smile back I had returned to the place that helped create that smile. That place is Cafe Racer on a Saturday morning at 7am!

2 weeks ago, I had got back into the bunch and I don't think I have stopped smiling since. I knew this was perfect to help me find my redemption. I was going to go to a Womens 100, I would celebrate it for everything it is and come away from it feeling inspired and energised.

The first difference from last year is that I was going to be with the girls who have been my strength from Day 1. My sisters in cycling - too many to name individually, but all branded with the same stripes. My Liv/ladies who no matter how close or how far away, are all special and unique. Second was that I was prepared. Despite the fact that I had not done a great deal on the bike, my body knows how to ride 100kms and this time my head was there for the journey as well.

My preparation was as planned. My sleep was interrupted all night due to nervous excitement and I couldn't wait for the alarm to sound at 4:45am. I quickly pulled on my driving gear, grabbed my drink bottles and was in the car by 5:00am. I had packed the car with all of my riding essentials. Breakfast, lunch and enough bananas to make a monkey jealous. Pre, During and Post fuel to ensure that the 100kms could be done without hitting unnecessary walls.

The trip to Melbourne was easy - given most people are tucked into warm beds at 5am on a Sunday morning in the dead of winter. And as I pulled up my car, there was a familiar sight around me. Jo Hall and Kirsty Baxter - there at the finish line making sure everything was right for the 100+ girls who would ascend on The White House in St Kilda later that day. These 2 need to be applauded - both of them dedicating so much time, energy, support and effort into seeing more and more women on bikes.

After a quick hello it was time to keep moving. I had to get into my kit, get Maverick ready and get to Cafe Racer which was the official start line. And there, second by second, it was obvious that this day was going to be massive. So many familiar faces all there to celebrate Women's Cycling.

We were briefed, split into groups of over 30 and under 30 ... (speed, not age which is the only place under 30 that applies to me) and group by group we headed out onto Beach Road to start our 100km ride. I had the utmost pleasure of riding alongside Jane for most of the way - an amazing person who has helped me on and off the bike from day 1. We come from the opposite sides of Melbourne, so to ride together is always a privilege and cherished time.

Heading down Beach Rd - enjoying the social nature of this ride. 

I look at this photo and it shows exactly what this ride was all about. Amazing women, out together, socialising and supporting each other. There were times where I was the one offering the support. And not that much further down the road, I was the one being supported. That is what I love so much about not only women's cycling, but this unique group and these rides. There is never any judgement, never any competition. Just encouragement, support and an overwhelming urge to just have fun.

I won't say it was easy however it was the easiest 100kms I have done. But I had all of the right ingredients and finally it all fell into place.

• Physically and Mentally ready. 
• Preparation was perfect. (It helped I was also preparing for a plasma donation, so I really made sure I was going to be OK for both)
• I had all the support a girl could want. 
• I took a role is assisting others beat the demons that had previously haunted me. 
• I had learnt from the best on getting a group of girls from A to B unharmed or lost. 
• We had ZERO flats (in our group) 
• The support offered behind the scenes never went unnoticed. 
• And the Melbourne weather was perfect. 

It was an amazing day with a long credit role. 

Massive thanks to Oakley Australia, TORQ Nutrition, Hawthorn Common, Tom Organic, Jaggad, Greene Street Juice and Northside Wheelers who made our day what it was. 

To the girls of Bicycle Superstore Womens Road Cycling Team and Tri Alliance - along with many other groups and clubs representing .... it was so great to meet so many new women out of the road. It is always nice to return home and find 9 new friend requests on Facebook.

To Kirsty Baxter for the photo album of memories and to Corinna Brown who was out there helping in every way possible. Knowing you were not far away made for a much more relaxing ride.

And have you ever wondered how to get 100+ women out of bed by 6am on a Sunday in the middle of winter - just call Jo Hall. Women's cycling needs to take their hat off to her and all the people at Liv/giant who let her do what she does.

 

And to every single chick out there on the day - no matter where you were - thanks for allowing me to have great memories of the #womens100. A big thumbs up to you all xx

Inspired and Energised - CHECK! 

Back in the Bunch

Last weekend I finally found that desire to return to group riding. To be honest, if it had not been for my beautiful friend Carol Cooke heading off to defend her World Title stripes, I would have still been stuck procrastinating - using my very valid excuses that I had relied on over the last 6 months.

Getting back into the bunch, like anything, was harder in my mind than it was in reality. Putting aside that I now have a round trip of 180kms just to join the girls, that I have to get up at 4:45am after a solid week of working, that I miss a quarter of my weekend time with the family or that the average temperature at this time of year is in single digits, these reasons were not what was keeping me away.

For those who have followed my last 2 years, you understand the emotion of my riding. I am not in it for the win, for the competition or for the glory. I am in it because it has allowed me to achieve my dreams. But in a world where we don't often live Happily Ever After, I had started to question my dreams. I was struggling to find reason in what I was doing.

Ride To Conquer Cancer has been my life for the last 2 years. There had barely been a day where I had not done something to make a difference to the life of those battling cancer. Raising awareness and research funds so people I knew didn't have to suffer. Trying to prevent death from an unnecessary evil called Cancer. And then all at once, it seemed Cancer showed me that no matter how hard I try - it is always going to win. And it was prepared to prove to me that it can strike anyone, anytime and it can strike fast. In 6 months I sat at 3 funerals and left wondering "What more can I do"

Slowly, I was letting Cancer beat me by making me think "why bother?" Why should I get up at 4:45am to go and ride my bike. Why should I freeze my tired arse off, push my body to the limit training for more events? Why should I miss waking up to the faces of my 3 kids; miss morning cuddles in a warm bed; miss making them pancakes that we could eat while watching cartoons in our pajamas?

And slowly, I also started to think .. I am done with fundraising. I am done with the knock backs, I am done with constantly referring people to my online donation portal and being met with silence. I am done trying to find the elusive support that seems almost impossible to find this year.

But then out of nowhere, my reason came. In the pages of a fictional book, I found my reason to why I need to continue. A book I had hesitated to read for a few weeks had the answers and motivation that I needed. And it comes back to what got me started to begin with. While it kills, I will ride! While people are cheated the right to live Happily Ever After, the least I can try and do is give them hope.

My riding and fundraising will never bring back those we have lost. And it probably serves as a reminder to our Angels families when they see me continue to try and fight a loosing battle. But at the same time, I have new fighters to provide hope to. People near and dear to me who have recently sat in a doctors office and been told that they have Cancer. People who need to know I won't quit. That I will not give in to my excuses and I will drag my tired bones out of bed and find the strength it takes to climb over this hill.

My reason to ride - I really didn't think that it was my mental toughness that was going to be put through the biggest workout! But with 36 sleeps to go until I line up in Brisbane, I am going to give this thing all I have got.

And thanks to my Liv/girls - I'll be back for more bunch rides and breaky before I go!!!

There I am - Top Photo, Second on the Left.
Back in the Bunch after 6 months

Back on the Bike

For 12 weeks my dearly loved Maverick has been sitting in my garage collecting dust.

But, finally, we got back out on the road. To say I am relieved is an understatement. It is not that I have not ridden at all. I have. Short, quiet rides on my Brava (aka The Therepist) where I have just needed to escape and think. Mainly though, my rides have been to either take my son for a quiet ride on the local dirt roads or it has been a ride over to the Memorial Park to sit and remember my mum. 

But now it is time to get back to business.

It was odd, because I actually felt nervous getting ready to ride again. I was slightly anxious and cautious as I got ready. Was I ready to do this? Had 12 weeks been enough? In my heart I knew it was time. So I took a deep breath and I followed my heart.

So what had kept me off my bike? What had stopped me doing the one thing that I really loved?

Depression!

That secret D word that most don't like to talk about. And as I have learnt, not many like to hear about it either. But I have never been a person to shy away from the truth and won't start now. Lucky for me, my depression has been triggered from a life event - Mum's death. Knowing this is the cause has made it relatively easy to treat. No little white happy pills were needed to help me smile again. (this is what we always called Mum's anti-depressants)

It was around 3 months after Mum had died that I realised that I was starting to spiral down. I just wasn't me. Lucky for me, depression and mental illness was not something new. So I knew what I was facing and I knew exactly where to get help.

In the many years of dealing with my Mum's mental health issues, I had often turned to Beyond Blue for help on how to deal with her. So in her death, I turned to them again to work out how to pull myself out of the hole.

• I was struggling, and not just with the fact that I had lost my mum. 
• I couldn't concentrate at work. I just got the bare minimum done and nothing more. 
• I felt like I was on auto pilot all of the time. 
• I starting drinking again. (my version of drinking is 1 glass of wine each night) 
• I didn't enjoy the everyday activities. 
• I felt unhappy
• My favourite saying became "whatever" 
• I was angry and inpatient most of the time. 
• I was comfort eating. 
• I was wearing my baggy oversized clothes so I could just hide in them. 
• I was tired all of the time, but could never sleep.
• I had headaches.
• I put on 6 kilos. 
• I was sad. 

Initially I thought that I could just distract myself  and throw myself into exercise and training. But then I realised that I couldn't do it. I was suffering from a health issue that I needed to address or it was just going to get worse.

So what did I do?

I started to talk to people. I got the support I needed. And it wasn't where I thought the support would come from. I reached out and only a few hands reached back. But they are hands that I will never forget. Because if it wasn't for them, I would still be sitting in that hole.

My recovery has been solely based on talking. Sharing how I feel. And not worrying about what tomorrow will bring.

Getting back to "normal" is still a long way off. As I discovered on my first ride back, I just loved riding by myself and felt overly anxious when met with a bunch who invited me to join them. Unlike me, I didn't want to ride with them and was just happy to hang off the back and watch them ride towards the horizon. 

I hope that in the next few weeks I will be able to head to Melbourne to ride with my old crew - the Liv/giant girls. I am conscious of my health and won't force myself before I am ready. But the best thing I have learnt on my path to recovery is to not worry about what comes next. State of mind does a lot to control our direction, so rather than worry how I might feel - ill just take the steps forward and deal with it when I get there. 

A quote I love "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday" 

And I have learnt that crossing the bridge is no so bad when you have a good mate to lean on! 

The Heartbreak of Fundraising

For the last 2 1/2 years, I have been a very active fundraiser not only for Cancer related charities & events, but many others. A quick post, a share, a tweet, a blog and old fashioned story telling has meant that I have been able to raise a substantial amount of money for the main Cancer Research Centers across Australia and I always try and support people who have supported me with an encouraging donation for their charity of choice.

But fundraising for charities is everywhere and getting harder. I am sure that if I gave everyone $20 that asked, it would chew up my entire income!

Having participated in 5 Ride to Conquer Cancer Events from October 2012 to December 2013 not only required hard work work and dedication to a training schedule, but it also had me tirelessly raising money. That is where the hard work and lies - trying to take the No's and knock backs to find an illusive Yes. And now in my 3rd year, finding new places to get a Yes is even harder.

I have been humbled by the amount of support and funds raised, but this has come from a very small circle of people. People who have been personally touched. I sat back watching the Good Friday Appeal a couple of weeks back and was amazed at the generosity that individuals and corporations show for this cause. We get to sit and watch stories that break our hearts. The tiniest members of our community, laying in beds and facing treatment that would frighten the toughest of them all. We watch with sympathy as parents cradle their sad faced babies and we cannot help but put our hand in our pocket and try to make the slightest difference to the lives of others. Even as I threw my last $2 into a highway collection bucket, I wished I could have done more.

Personally, I have needed to use the Royal Children's hospital with my daughters. Firstly when Amy was only 16 months old and suffered so badly with gastro that she was admitted for immediate re-hydration as her little body was starting to fail her. Holding our tiny baby down as they inserted a feed tube into her nose was one of the hardest parenting moments we have had. Only 7 months later, she was back to undergo her first local anesthetic ... to remove a tooth she had knocked out. I sat with parents who had the look of fear in their faces as their babies were placed in the hands of medical staff - ready to face something as simple as Amy was having right through to open heart surgery. And then again with Mia when at 6 weeks of age an accidental burn with boiling water saw her having treatment that lasted 6 months. These experiences broke my heart and every Good Friday I am reminded of our short visits to RCH. I have a personal experience and this is why every year I Give That They May Grow.

When I started out fundraising for the Ride to Conquer Cancer, I was fueled with an experience. My Reason to Ride. And as I shared my reason and stories, I got to hear many more from others who had similar stories to share. And most of those stories were met with support and encouragement for what I was doing. But not always.

I will never forget my first attempt at asking for support. I arrived at the local bike shop looking for help. Looking for support. I didn't want a free bike - I just wanted help. I had no idea what I was doing, had no idea what I needed to buy, no idea of the gear etc. I needed support and guidance. But when I walked in and declared that I was doing the Ride To Conquer Cancer and needed help, they saw me as a  potential sale, steered me towards the high priced performance road bikes and I knew they never understood the reason why I was riding.

Then about 2 months ago, I learnt that the co-owner of the store now understood 100%. At 35 years old, she was diagnosed with Cancer. Lung, Liver and Brain. Assumed secondary cancer from a previous battle with Melanoma. I knew enough about Cancer that the combination she was fighting was never going to end well. It would take her life. 

And on April 16, 2014 my fear for Nicola was right. She lost her battle leaving her husband and 2 little girls to face a life without her. I am heart broken for her. I am heart broken for her family. But worse still, I look into the faces of those close to her and my heart breaks for them because now they understand. I watch the new raw pain they suffer and just wish they didn't have to understand the heartbreak of Cancer. I wish they didn't have to watch Nicola so quickly be taken away. In the prime of her life, the prime of her career as a Councillor working tirelessly for her community - but as a dearly cherished mum, wife, daughter, sister and friend. So quickly Cancer consumed her.

That is the heartbreak of fundraising. It comes with the knock backs. But it also comes with the sadness that no matter how hard we work, how hard we train and how hard our charities then do justice with the financial support they receive, they cannot save everyone. Having to sit through a funeral is the biggest knock back we receive.

In a situation like this, generally there is a flood of support in memory of those lost. It is the support they wished they had given two years ago that may have prevented this. It is support in the hope that the pain they are now suffering will not have to be endured by another family.

And this is what keeps me going. It is what keeps me out there accepting the No's and the knock backs. It is also understanding that everyone has their own reason for that No. I just hope that they never have to understand why I ask. 

Nicola Davis
19/12/1978 - 16/04/2014

Nicola was a committed to making a difference to as many people as she could.  And in her death, it is the Olivia Newton-John Cancer and Wellness Centre that will accept donations in memory of Nicola.

I will hold the memory of Nicola close to my heart this year as I complete my Ride To Conquer Cancer rides in Brisbane and Melbourne.  My focus is on early detection, prevention and seeking treatment to ensure the best possible odds of beating this disease. 

Saving myself

For 2 years, my Reason 2 Ride was simple. I rode in the hope that I could raise as much money and awareness for Cancer Research as possible. How I did this ... well, we all know the story!
(If you don't, you will find it in this blog)

But now, the reason has changed. I no longer ride to save others. I am riding to save myself.

For the last 6 months, I have been wading through a pool of grief in search for shallow waters. For the first few weeks, everyone surrounded me and helped keep the tidal wave away. But one by one, almost everyone has let go. And now I find myself in the deep waters - struggling to stay afloat.

The time since Mum died has been the biggest challenge that I have faced. Mum died peacefully in her sleep at the age of 62. But what came next is what has torn me apart.

• Pulling up in your parents driveway to find a coroners van and police awaiting your arrival. 
• Watching your mum being wheeled out in a body bag from her home. (but glad you stood beside her on that final exit from her home)
• Wishing you had of kissed her one last time. 
• Realising 3 months later Mum had claustrophobia and had mentioned that she didn't want the bag zipped over her face. I wish I had of remembered that on the night of October 7.
• Having to accept that an autopsy had to be performed despite it being against mum's wishes. 
• Waiting 4 1/2 months to find out it was something as simple as choking in her sleep that took her life. But because of her nightly medication, she couldn't wake to fight it. Drug intoxication and asphyxiation caused by aspiration pneumonia. 
• Having to understand the above cause of death by means of talking to the Chief Pathologist at the Melbourne Institute of Forensic Medicine. Those are conversations I wish I could forget, but haunt me day and night. 
• Being stuck in a state of grief induced depression and realising the challenge my mum faced everyday as she battled bipolar and depression for many years. 
• Trying not to be the crazy mother that I had and explaining to my 8 and 7 year old why mummy sometimes cries, yells and gets frustrated over the little things. 

Getting through the grief is something that I have to do alone and in my own time. So through my riding, I am making that time. But not just riding anymore. I am adding swimming and running to the mix.

Instead of treading water, I will put my head down, kick my legs and swim. There will be days where I have the clear blue calm water and other days where it will be rough and choppy.

Time on the bike will be my free time to feel the wind in my hair, the breeze in my face and a time to release my thoughts.

And instead of running away from my problems, I will run alongside them and use their energy to keep me going.

The perfect mix to train for something I never ever thought I could do - a Triathlon. And I hope that by the time I get to the finish line, I would have found the strength and courage to face the choppiest seas, ride the steepest hills and run down the other side with a smile on my face.

To do this is going to be hard. Already my daily routine has me up by 6am and not stopping until 8:30pm. So finding time to add a training schedule has been a challenge. But I feel I have to. Comfort eating and a glass of wine each night has certainly not helped. But keeping a diary, understanding what I need and now putting it in place hopefully will.

Tomorrow I will wake up and it will be exactly 6 months since mum passed away. Half a year. 26 weeks where every single day has been a challenge in someway for me. But every single day I got up and I got through the day because I had to. I got through it because my kids needed me to. I got through it because my step dad needed to see someone else get through another day. And I got through it because my mum couldn't.

So welcome to my new Reason 2 Ride. This will become a blog of my training and a diary of "what happens on the trip". I am breaking rules, because I know there are others out there who appreciate my honesty.

And for all of my Angels and Fighters - you all still live with me every day. You all have families out there who are in different stages of grief, so hopefully we can help each other!

Meet my Therapist

Back before Christmas, I got my cleats into something new. The Liv/giant Brava SLR - now renamed "My Therapist"

I recall the moment I first saw this bike. The 2014 Giant Bikes launch on August 1, 2013 where all of the new models were put on display. I wandered around looking at the road bikes admiring the new models. But I knew that there was no bike that could compare to my beloved Maverick (and that was before her gorgeous make over). I looked at them all without that need or desire for an upgrade.

Then I ventured over to the Mountain Bikes and again with limited vision of picturing myself riding single track on one of the amazing bikes, I then continued to check out the boys bikes.

But as I doubled around, from the corner of my eye I saw it! It wasn't a road bike and it wasn't a mountain bike ... And like David Attenborough would do, I looked over this new species of bike.

I had seen CX and the craziness it involved. I had imagined myself doing the same thing .... Actually, as an 8 year old, I had done similar crazy things on my girls cruiser. And I started dreaming. I started imagining myself heading down a fire trail with only myself and my thoughts to deal with. No mountain bike trails where trees could jump out of nowhere, no complex trails that would cloud my thinking. No road traffic that would keep me on my toes and divert my thoughts. It could be just me.

I could commute on it. I could ride trails on it. In fact, I struggled to think of what I couldn't do on it. And in line with the whole new Liv/giant 2014 range - she was just so pretty! I left that night thinking about how I was going to tell Mello that we needed to make room for another bike.

It wasn't long after the Brisbane Ride to Conquer Cancer that I decided that once I had achieved everything I set out Conquer in 2013, I would buy the Brava. A present for myself. I felt that once I had got through 4 events that always weigh heavy on me, emotionally I was going to need some space to recollect my thoughts and motivation to tackle 2014. The Ride to Conquer Cancer ride is emotionally difficult - in fact, for me, the emotional fatigue wears me down more than the physical fatigue. And here I was about to do 4 of them .. all in close succession.

Then on October 7, 2013 when the world as I knew it changed forever, I knew that the Brava was going to become necessary to get me back on track.

December 14 could not have come quick enough. I dropped the kids off with my Dad and headed out to Forrest to The Corner Store. (Do yourself a favor - take a day trip to this beautiful area and drop in and say Hi to Jess & Norm. I also recommend their coffee and Thai Chicken Pies)

And there was my therapist waiting for me. For the first time in too long, I spontaneously smiled.

After the usual process of making sure she was sized up ready for me to ride, I took her home - ready to face the roads she would take me down. Unlike my usual road cycling, I was looking forward to the unsocial riding I would do. 

3 months later and the fun is just starting. Like in life, I am facing unknown territory. I know how it all works - you get on and peddle, but at the same time, I move forward with caution.The bumps, the new terrain and the challenge of getting to the end is all new for me. But I couldn't imagine a better way to find the new me. 

The Brava - AKA The Therapist gives me the space, freedom and solitude that I need to process the noise in my head. Life is busy and I seldom have any time to sit quietly and just listen to my heart. My brain never stops. But getting out to a therapy session gives me that time. It gives me the freedom and the space to think and process thoughts that continue to build up. It is The Therapist who is helping me wade through the darkness and be able to see the light. 

Day 1 - the solitude of gravel roads

Beautiful calmness

LOVE THIS PHOTO!!!

I can honestly sit here and say, every single time that I have been out for a ride on the Brava, I come home renewed. The "no rules" attitude it brings and I can make up the journey as I feel like it is exactly what I need.

But the most surprising rides I had was when I was lead to the Memorial Park where we celebrated my Mum's life. On this day, weighed down with sadness, I decided to go out on a ride with no destination and just clear my head. Road, path, gravel road and then on my left I noticed the open space. Raw emotion overwhelmed me, but I rode in. And I sat, over looking that place where I said my final sad farewell only 3 months earlier to my mum and I let go. I finally was able to look past the why & how and finally just sit and cry for Mum. 

In memory of Robyn Baker
03/08/1951 - 07/10/2014

I have a long road to travel, but the terrain is slowly getting that little more familiar. Some days I turn a corner and it is like a freshly laid road and all smooth riding. Other days the corrugations seem like they will never end and the pain and agony will be with me forever. And other days I peek out the garage and say I can't do this today.

Those who say that bikes don't change your life need to find a different bike. Maybe the Brava is for you. And if you are a fella - have a look at all the bikes suitable for mixed terrain!

Time to say goodbye

.. to 2013.

Back on January 19, 2014 I finally made the decision to say goodbye to 2013. (and yes, this blog I started back on that day...)

I have not wanted to. Too much happened in 2013 that I still have not had time to process. And too much happened that I am still not ready to deal with. And the further I move on to the future, the further I get from my past.

But, I can't be stuck in 2013 forever, so it is time to say goodbye to the year that was both the one of the best and also the worst of my life.

As I got up to go for my usual Sunday morning ride, instead of grabbing my usual Liv/giant kit, I decided that was the day that I needed to wear the kit that I needed to farwell. My Vision Crusader kit (minus the Black Milk tights) It was time to reflect on what we achieved in 2013, but also say good bye to it. It has saddened me that the wonderful people that made the Vision Crusader team what is was were all now going about their plans for 2014. I never had time to celebrate our achievements or say good bye to some of the greatest people I have ever met ... and it has hung like a dark cloud above me since I left Adelaide. So on that day, it was time.

I thought back to Brisbane and how amazing that ride was. Meeting our team for the first time and bonding instantly. To share it with Vince was incredibly special as well!! That bond I formed with our team only got stronger over the following rides. Then Sydney, the ride showed me my unbreakable spirit. Melbourne - my home ride and the one I got to share with my husband. Crossing the finish line hand in hand with him was the biggest highlight in all of these rides. And then Adelaide - the final ride that still weighs on my shoulders. I was not ready for it all to end. I was not ready to say goodbye. After 15kms, I had to stop - unable to go on. I slumped over my handle bars and I cried. I had to. And I had to do it with the support of my bike Maverick who carried me every kilometer on some of the most difficult times I have had. 

Why was I afraid to say goodbye? It was because on October 7, 2013 I learned that sometimes goodbye is forever. It was the last day I looked at my beautiful mum and said good bye for the very last time. And since that time, I have not wanted to farewell anything. I had lost my dear Pa many years early and still get sad about him not being around. I had lost my Ma 9 years earlier and was at peace with that because I got to say good bye and sit with her as she passed. But even that could not prepare me for how it was going to feel losing my mum. And my dear friends who I shared these rides with also helped me through many of my dark times since Mum has gone. After all, it was only 4 days after she passed that we shared the Sydney ride together. 

But I know, to take steps forward, I have to say good bye to this part of my life. I have to accept that the Vision Crusaders of 2013 was exactly that - and now with 2014 it is time to move on with the new part of my life. 

So, I have set myself a To Do List for 2014. No resolutions. Just a list of things that I know will bring back my smile. 

• The 2014 Ride to Conquer Cancer - Brisbane. This will be done with my husband and sister in law as part of #ride4vince. We will be riding with the Vision Crusaders who will have a very different team make up. 
• The 2014 Ride to Conquer Cancer - Melbourne. This will be done with my husband and again part of #ride4vince. And yes - as part of the Vision Crusaders team. 
• Do a 5 km fun run with my family. This is scheduled for the end of Feb! 
• Swim in the ocean. And then just float and look up at the sky! 
• Ride without my Garmin - of which will all be done on my Brava. I want it to be about the ride and the space and not the data that goes with it. 
• Eat new things. 
• Dance in the rain - firstly because I HATE dancing .... but doing it in the rain just seems like a great idea. 
• Say NO more often to others.  
• Say YES more often to ME.
• Go to a movie alone. 
• Buy flowers for myself.
• Read more books. 
• Go on more dates with Mello. 
• Have more 1 on 1 times with the kids. And while I am doing this, give my family more time with my kids and let them learn more about each other. 
• Do a CX race for fun. I am not interested in doing road racing. But CX is more my type of fun!
• And finally, raise awareness for Depression and mental illness. 

My mum suffered for many years with mental illness. I have seen what it did to her life and I know first hand how it affected me. And now, I know how hard it is as I struggle with the grief of her loss. I thought life was hard with her in it .... but it was nothing compared to how it is without her. 

So I promise to be open and honest with how I am feeling. This is the year that I will take you all on my journey and my new reason to ride. 

And with a new reason to ride ... of course there is a new bike! The 2014 Liv/giant Brava. A CX bike that knows no limits. For us both, the road ahead is unknown. There will be smooth roads, bumpy roads and lots of ups and downs. (and hopefully a bit of mud) And already on my first few rides I know she is going to help me deal with my grief. Her name - Babs. That was my Mum's nick name we gave her. 

So buckle in for my ride in 2014. Again, I don't aspire to win any races, to beat any PB's or create any records. I just want to have fun!!! 

Many thanks again go out to my bike family - everyone associated with Liv/giant and Giant Bikes Australia. Without your support I could very well be in the fetal position under my doona ... and I am sure Tontine don't want to sponsor that! 

And don't worry - Mav will still get plenty of time out on the road. After all, those dates with my hubby will probably be out on the road and over coffee & breakfast! 

RTCC Adelaide ... the last of the 2013 Grand Slam

I remember back to March 7, 2013 when I sat perched on a stool at the Liv/giant International Women's Day function. Seated in front of a room full of women who were about to hear about everything I had achieved in 2012. I had taken up cycling, lost some weight and motivated and inspired many to make a difference. And when asked a simple question "What do you want to focus on in 2013", I had said that I would do the Melbourne Ride to Conquer Cancer again and see what else comes out of it.

Even now as I sit here in my lounge on December 5, 2013, I still can't believe what has taken place. Not one, but 4 Ride To Conquer Cancer events. And because of my ability to inspire others on this journey, more than $60,000 has been donated to Cancer research in 2013. This is part of the massive amount of just over $240,000 that the Vision Crusaders raised this year.

Ride to Conquer Cancer - Grand Slam ... TICK!

Adelaide was the final ride for us this year. It was the ride to celebrate everything we had achieved as a team. Our fundraising was over for 2013 and there was to be no more discussions of travel plans, flight bookings, accommodation, meals, baby sitters, bike builds, stress, packing bags, annual leave, saying goodbye to family who didn't want you to go, sleeping in tents, cold showers (or no shower), airport transfers, chicken cacciatore and cold sleepless nights.

There was to be no more long rides shared with amazing inspiring people who were on the same wave length as myself, no more talking about what the Ride to Conquer Cancer achieves, no more stories of cancer survival and on the other hand - no more hearing of those who had faced our demon and lost the battle. No more Vision Crusaders Grand Slam team - an amazing bunch of 22+ people who had become a massive part of my life in such a short time.

*Vision Crusaders 2014 will be very different and nothing compared to 2013! 

Consistency was one thing that my preparation for Adelaide had. No training, high levels of stress and this time around a house move which was 120kms away and starting a new job in the week prior.  After what I had faced in Sydney, this was going to be easy.

As my team mates arrived in Adelaide, I sat at my desk in Geelong. As my team mates arrived at bike check in, I still sat at my desk in Geelong. As my team mates headed out for tea, I headed for the airport. I arrived in Adelaide at 8:45pm - with 9 hours to spare before we would be at the start line for our final Ride to Conquer.

The ride itself was perfect. The scenery was beautiful, the course was challenging and the time I had with my team was something that I will forever hold dear to my heart. Especially our team captain Klaus who surprised us all at camp on Saturday ... only 4 days earlier being officially in remission from the leukaemia that stopped him from completing his dream.

Mav at the beach

Mav checking out next years crops

My team captain - the greatest surprise in Adelaide

For the majority of the weekend, I found I was in high spirits. But midway though Sunday, the weight of this being our last hurrah was getting harder to carry. I was incredibly sad knowing that our day would end, we would cross the line for the last time and that would be it. And I also knew that for 2 years, I had dedicated so much time and energy to trying to make a difference - but the last 4 weeks had claimed yet another 2 fighters that I rode for. 2 beautiful ladies. 2 beautiful mothers. A total of 4 kids (a set of 8 year old triplets to one angel and an 8 month old baby to my other angel)  who would face their whole life without their mum. Given that I had lost my own mum 8 weeks earlier, it was raw pain.

Sadness. It is an emotion that can cripple even the strongest people ... but it wasn't going to stop me. Not in Adelaide anyway.

Our final day I had pulled on the craziest brightest sparkliest hot pink leggins Black Milk Clothing could provide. A tribute to my 2 new angels. Coordination and fashion rules got thrown out a long time ago with the Crusaders ... so why not go out on a bang - all for these precious ladies.

This time, unlike the others, I cannot find words to summarise my final Ride to Conquer in 2013. But I hold the experience deep within my heart, knowing that it has changed my life forever. Sometimes words don't do justice to the emotion and the feeling. And this is the one time that I know this is true.

My girl and I - together we CONQUER

Ride to Conquer Cancer – Melbourne

Only 13 days after I left the Sydney Ride to Conquer Cancer, I was again sitting at the start line in Melbourne ready to do it all over again.

13 days … 13 of the most difficult days I would ever have to face.

Painful is the only word I have to describe the 13 days. Nursing injuries from a fall in Sydney was only the surface of the deep pain and heartache I felt inside. Facing life without my Mum was something that at my age I couldn't even comprehend.
But if I was going to make Melbourne Ride to Conquer Cancer an event to remember, I was going to need to obey the Rules. Particularly Rule # 20 … which referred me to Rule #5.

In 13 days I had sat through my mum’s funeral, nursed my 3 kids through a loss they had never experienced and then needed to pick up and return to life – like nothing had ever happened. (Note – work places who expect 5 days bereavement leave to be sufficient time need a reality check! I couldn’t even farewell my mum within 5 days of her passing)

I managed to squeeze in some training – 105kms of Around the Bay! I had been given the opportunity to go to Perth to complete the Ride to Conquer Cancer on behalf of my Team Captain, but needed to pass on the opportunity given everything else that I had on. I knew I didn’t have the strength to leave my family again. So I did what I said I would do and I lined up for Around the Bay. In a nutshell, it was a long lonely painful ride. I had registered for the 210km ride but due to injuries, I really pushed the barrier to make it 105kms. Rule #5 again. And my heart was not in it. All I wanted to do was stay curled up under my blanket and be angry. I just wanted to stare at that one blank spot on the wall that had become my point of focus for many days … that spot that I could stare at for hours, stuck asking the one question no-one can yet answer … WHY?

So when the time came to start preparing for Melbourne Ride to Conquer, 1 thing had to change. I had to pack up my grief. I had to haul my arse out of the well of misery I was happy sitting in and I had to find my Reason 2 Ride. I thought about my Angels and Fighters.

I thought about all of the Angels who had left behind grieving daughters. I thought about the Angels who had flown from their husband’s embrace too early in time. I thought about my Fighters who were facing their fears of leaving their family and not knowing where the destination was. And I thought about many of my friends who had been there to support me in the 18 days since my Mum had passed, but mostly in the 13 most difficult days of my life. My friends who could feel my pain because they also had lost a parent. 1 year, 3 years, 17 years and 21 years … and still they cried. Still they felt pain.

So time to take one last look at my loss, recognise my pain and know that I could tuck that off to the side, still close enough to recognise it, but far enough away that I could smile – without feeling guilty! On Friday night, I packed up more than the one bag that I would be taking to the ride … I packed the emotional baggage and left it in my wardrobe.



Melbourne Ride to Conquer Cancer was also going to be a special event for me where both my Melbourne based team – Fighting Back would get the opportunity to meet the Vision Crusaders team that I am part of. A total of 21 people who were all there for the one purpose. To Ride to Conquer Cancer. Each of us had raised at least $2500 to be there – no easy feat. Each of us had dedicated a good part of our lives over the last year to being ready to ride 200kms. And now was our time, our moment, to make a difference. We all carried our own reasons why we were there. And we took time out to reflect on this.

Our Vision Crusaders team started a tradition in Brisbane where the following words are read out just prior to the official Opening Ceremony:

 

 

These words were written by my husband, and I was so proud that he was going to be there to read them out to my teams in Melbourne. And to have Vince in our circle, there to also hear his brother’s words, was such a special moment. One I will never ever forget.

Fighting Back and Vision Crusaders join forces

 

The opening ceremony is always an emotional moment. I have been through 4 of them so far of which they all follow the same format. But when I see 4 individuals escort the bike that represents the person we ride for – it gets me every time! And with all the emotion and hype, generating the purpose of why we gather, we are sent off … all 1200+ riders who have a whole weekend of reflection in front of them.

Unlike last year, we were in the first bunch to be released. This is a privilege given to the higher profile teams. It means that we get out of the start quickly and don’t get delays. Both Fighting Back and Vision Crusaders function on the principal that each person rides their own ride. We know each other well enough to know our other team mates who are of similar pace, we know to speak up if we are struggling and we know that no matter what – a Crusader is never far away.

That is what we do. We are there to make friends with other riders and learn the reasons why others ride. We are there to help other riders if they need it – may it be with a tire change, a full drink bottle or just a helping hand getting up a hill. The RTCC Domestiques almost! And we are there to have fun. And all of these things are what we pride ourselves on. We are known as the team that will be the first to leave … and we will always be there to bring the last rider in. Some members of our team will complete their ride and then they head back out to the last rider to make sure they are not alone. And the rest of us are based at camp to make sure there is a big roar when the last riders finally make it in for the day.

Robert, Sharon and Josh bring home Vicki .. the Ultimate Rider

So Day 1 and Day 2 riding were exactly what I had planned; to ride and spend time with each of my team mates. Creating memories! Whether we spent 3 minutes or 3 hours riding together, I have a memory of riding with the 8 members of Fighting Back and the 12 members from the Vision Crusaders.

Liv/giant represented!!! Love having my girls Tracey & Corinna along for the ride xo

 

And a memory of finishing Day 1 in my Team Captains Ambassador jersey and a big orange ribbon around my neck!

 

 

But the biggest memory of all is riding the last 3 kilometers side by side with my husband. It is always the moment that I see the finish line that my emotions bubble over. In Melbourne, we see this early and still have a full lap of Albert Park Lake to complete before we cross the finish. I started to choke up and managed to say to him “Now you will see the other side of this”

Coming home as a team ... Photo credit to Josh who seriously needs a Go Pro!

 

We rode the last 300 meters hand in hand. We crossed the line in a sea of tears – that quickly see-saw from happy to tears and back to happy. It is high emotion and for me, it is one of the greatest feelings I have ever experienced. To see family and friends there who have travelled in to see us finish was the most amazing! Family and Friends who have supported us every kilometer of the long journey. Family and Friends who have helped us achieve our dream. And Family and Friends who we ride for.  Every hug starts and ends with a smile. And that moment in the middle where we embrace, something special happens and with unspoken words, I know I have made a difference to them.

We did it - for those who can't

 

This is my prize. This is the medal that will hang around my neck and will become part of my story! This is my thrill and this is what makes me feel like I have won the greatest prize of all. When I get home, I will wash my jersey and detach my name tags from my bike. And together, they are stored as a pride of place in my history.

The Reason I Ride is to make a difference. And I know I am doing that.

To those who can fight no more.  

To honor those who lost the fight.

To give strength to those who need it most.

I have the guts and the determination to dig deep. I always find the will to continue on.

And I know in my heart of hearts I MADE A DIFFERENCE.

Team Failla do it together in Melbourne

 

 

And a massive thanks to Liv/giant and Giant Hampton for all of your support leading up to this years event. You guys make such a difference to us!!!!


And for mum - I wore red socks just for you ... and took a little time out on Saturday evening alone to recognise that you were still there with me.

 

Ride to Conquer Cancer - Sydney

Ride to Conquer Cancer Sydney is going to be that one ride in my cycling CV that will define me.

It was an event that I was really looking forward to. As with all of our RTCC events, the actual ride is the time where I get to enjoy the hard work I have put in to fund-raise and be there. It is my time to pay tribute to my Angels and Fighters and time to catch up with people who also come together to make a difference to the future of Cancer. And it is a time where I get to meet up with my team - The Vision Crusaders and we share in the experience of ticking off another ride in our dreams of completing the Grand Slam!

But 4 days before the event, my world changed. At 6:37pm on Monday October 7, I answered a call no-one wants to make and no-one wants to receive. It was my dad. He said "I'm really sorry Rebecca. Your mother has died"

6:37pm 07/10/2013.

Mum had gone to bed on Sunday night. She was tired from a busy weekend and fell into a deep sleep that she would never wake from. Aged 62 years. Too young to just go to sleep and never wake up.

Only 24 hours after this news, I would also learn that our Team Captain from Vision Crusaders was being hospitalised with Acute Promyelocytic Leukaemia. This was news I could not even think about as I was afraid that too much devastating news would take it's toll on me. Klaus was going to be in good hands and had the whole team to rally around him. All I was capable of saying is that I would be there to ride for him in Sydney. 

So where did I find the strength to actually ride 200kms 4 days after losing my mum? (NB - it was only 160kms) Simple - from the people around me. From my family who reassured me it was OK to go and it is what Mum would have wanted. From my amazing network of friends who all supported my decision to continue to Ride to Conquer and encouraged me every step of the way. But mainly for my Angels families and Fighters who see me ride for them. It gives them the strength and determination to not quit their fight and provides hope that one day there will be a more positive future for those who have to face Cancer. People like Klaus!  

Deliberately, I am keeping this blog short (for my standards). Quite simply, I did what I had to do with RTCC Sydney. And most of it I did on auto pilot. The only significant difference is that I had my first big stack. Both Mav and I came off worse for wear, but some repairs to us both saw us soldier on for the event.

But how this ride will define me is that I did not give up or quit when things got tough. And I am positive it could not have been any harder on me! I was given many excuses to quit and walk away from this ride. But I didn't. Both Mav and I will carry scars from Sydney forever, but this is our reminder that we will overcome everything. 

There was one photo taken of me at the start line and for me it shows exactly how I was feeling.  

Photo Courtesy of Julie Leitch

This photo shows how much RTCC Sydney weighed on my shoulders. And it shows me trying to draw on everything just to get me through. 

And at the finish line, I let my emotions go! I did a great job at keeping them all bottled up over the whole weekend, but once it was over, it was time!  

Photo Courtesy of Julie Leitch

Photo Courtesy of Julie Leitch

If this ride is to define me, it will be my courage that got me through. And I find it interesting that I mentioned in my last blog,  "Many people who have displayed great courage have remained in history as heroes" 

I am not sure what I did was heroic, but the below message is a treasured photo that I will cherish forever! 

Thanks Carol xo

Massive thanks needs to go to the following people:

• Jo Hall and every single Liv/giant lady!
• Every single member of the Vision Crusaders including Julie Leitch for your support over the weekend
• Special mention to Nicole for being there at night when I needed you. And to Dani who made me laugh!
• To Norm Douglas and Jess Douglas. While the 3am sleep monsters were not after me, I was kept entertained with updates from Norm throughout the night with Jess' progress at WEMBO! Virtual cheering also became my distraction!
• Everyone who sent messages in any form to help me out and give me the encouragement I needed.
• To everyone for the hugs - especially Baxter who made a special trip to hug it out!

And to my family for giving me the space to do what I needed to do despite everything that was happening. I did it tough without you there, but I am sure it will make me stronger! And I did mum proud!!!